The mind is a dangerous thing......

After my last post, I have really spent some time focusing in on the lies I tell myself and analyzing how it is affecting me. As hard as it is for me to admit, most of them are spurred by my role as a step-mom. I honestly LOVE my boys its just that I never realized how hard it would be to be a step-mom. My husband has custody of his children so even though I am the step-parent, I am also the main caregiver. For me, it wasn't hard at all to fall madly in love with the boys and feel as if they were my own, the crushing part was knowing they weren't. It sounds prideful, and in a lot of ways it has became that, but it started out as just emotionally hard. The constant jabs from their biological mother that she gave birth to them and that they were not my children even though I did almost all of the motherly duties was crushing. Over time the heartache turned to bitterness as I started to resent the fact that as I was doing all of the responsible stuff, while she was getting to be the fun one. It seemed like I was doing all the work while she received the glory. That is where the pride came in and bitterness began to grow. As time went by and she had another baby, I began craving a baby too. I knew that I wanted more children from the beginning but I was content as we were. Eventually this new desire became an idol for me. It seemed that while we financially couldn't afford another child and with all that our children required of us we couldn't foresee the ability to care for another child either, yet she was able to have another even though she wasn't doing her part as a mother. It seemed she was stealing from me what I wanted. Its crazy how something I didn't desire to have at the time one minute, consumed me with jealousy the next.

Last week I realized that this bitterness was being fueled by thoughts that were popping in to my head all the time when I would get frustrated or tired or jealous. Honestly, most of the frustration and jealousy was due to the lies in and of themselves! So I sat myself down with a pen and paper and began writing all the thoughts that pop in and out of my head and before I knew it, I was writing down things I didn't even know I was thinking! I then took each thought and wrote a statement professing what was true, for example I would catch myself thinking "M can't tell me I am not the mom one minute and then ask me to do things the next", or "I do all the work and receive no recognition". In reality it doesn't matter what M labels me to the boys and that I am not here on Earth to receive recognition but to do God's will. It was so freeing. When I was done I felt like a new person. Now I am trying to study and memorize scripture that upholds this truth. I know that I am not cured of this destructive thinking but I am definitely on the right path.