Not your regular month

December has been one of those months that you never hope to relive. I am trusting God that I will come out stronger and with more character. "We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love" Romans 5:3-5
Through this I think I am really starting to see/feel this dying to self that Jesus calls us to. I have always had a love for Jesus and a relationship with him but I think that there was always a sense of self-preservation and control. It's exhausting! I've been in bad situations and I've done what was best for me. Its an easy mindset to have, to do what it takes to protect yourself, and my children. But is that what God desires for us? Sometimes. But I know that there are plenty more times where we are called to persevere, to die to oneself and put away the fears and desires to control and protect and just TRUST. To truly believe that if.....then God. No matter what. What ever happens, God is. If I put my heart out there and it gets trampled again, rough no doubt, but God will be there. It will be ok. If the boys ultimately choose Michelle over me after everything I've done for then, ouch for sure but God is still the same God and I will be ok. Fears have a way of taking control especially the irrational worst case scenarios we build in our heads but if we place our faith in God that he will not allow them to happen then we are putting conditions on our faith. Faith is knowing that he is good and faithful no matter what happens.
I am at a rough place. I'm confused and most days unsure of everything but God gets me through. I'm trying to figure out the right balance of what God desires of me. Luckily I have his word to read and his love in my heart.


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