Not your regular month

December has been one of those months that you never hope to relive. I am trusting God that I will come out stronger and with more character. "We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love" Romans 5:3-5
Through this I think I am really starting to see/feel this dying to self that Jesus calls us to. I have always had a love for Jesus and a relationship with him but I think that there was always a sense of self-preservation and control. It's exhausting! I've been in bad situations and I've done what was best for me. Its an easy mindset to have, to do what it takes to protect yourself, and my children. But is that what God desires for us? Sometimes. But I know that there are plenty more times where we are called to persevere, to die to oneself and put away the fears and desires to control and protect and just TRUST. To truly believe that if.....then God. No matter what. What ever happens, God is. If I put my heart out there and it gets trampled again, rough no doubt, but God will be there. It will be ok. If the boys ultimately choose Michelle over me after everything I've done for then, ouch for sure but God is still the same God and I will be ok. Fears have a way of taking control especially the irrational worst case scenarios we build in our heads but if we place our faith in God that he will not allow them to happen then we are putting conditions on our faith. Faith is knowing that he is good and faithful no matter what happens.
I am at a rough place. I'm confused and most days unsure of everything but God gets me through. I'm trying to figure out the right balance of what God desires of me. Luckily I have his word to read and his love in my heart.


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Loving Well

It has been awhile! What can I say except life happened :) This weekend life paused long enough to enjoy Beth Moore's 'loving well' DVD series retreat. The premise is that we need to start loving others but first we have to accept and soak up God's love for us. Sounds simple but I have always struggled with fully accepting God's unconditional love for me. Thankfully, in Beth way with words and humor, I do believe it sunk it a little deeper. She used her as an example, that she is a woman and that there is nothing she can do to make herself less of a woman. Long hair, short hair, mastectomy, or clothes don't define your womanhood, it's just what you are. In the same way God is love. It is who he is. It's not an emotion based on mood or our behavior. It's what he is just like a being female is who I am. Hopefully I will read Romans and 1 John in a whole new light. Ultimately I hope to fill my self up with that love it overflows to those around me. I am so used to trying to fill that love through human beings and relationships and that's just impossible. I will always get let down, hurt, and be unsatisfied. God's love is the only thing that can fully satisfy. I am ready to jump in with both feet, get soaked, and splash around in it :)


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In honor of my 30th birthday tomorrow, my favorite show 'Friends' turning 30

Sweet deliverance

"Maybe God allows 'Hamans' to come along so we'll quit being so at home here" Beth Moore. So true! I am still amazed at all I am learning through the study of Esther. I knew God was planning on speaking to me and I am so glad I decided on this study. Today we looked at Esther 3:7-15. When the lots were cast to determine the timing to annihilate the Jews because of Hamans hatred towards them. Sadly, the Jews that were still in Persia during this time were there by choice. They had chosen 12 years earlier not to leave and return to Jerusalem under Cyrus' edict. They instead chose to stay where they had become accustomed, but God had not forgotten them. Through Haman's scheme, God brought them back to himself.

At first glance you do not see a lot of God in the book of Esther, but oh he is there. It just so happens that the month the lots were cast was the first month, the month of Nisan. Doesn't seem very important at first, but the day that the edict was written to be delivered to all the provinces was the 13th day of Nisan. Important? Yes! At twilight on the 14th day of Nisan begins Passover. So as the Jews were celebrating God's deliverance over the Egyptians, they were given the news of the oncoming threat. Bad news indeed, but hope comes forth! The God who delivered them from the Egyptians can surely deliver them again! Coincidence that the news would be delivered then? I think not. "God never takes his eyes off of us or off the clock ticking over us" Beth Moore. God is in control of everything, even the lots cast against us. "the lot is cast into the lap but it's every decision is from the LORD" Proverbs 16:33


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Have a New Kid by Friday????

So I finally caved and bought yet another parenting book. This one is by Dr. Kevin Leeman. I have actually read another book by him as well, 'how to make your child mind without losing yours'. Many of the concepts are the same and just as applicable as they were when Zachary was 2. So far the just of what I have gathered is that I need to change not my children. How encouraging lol :) It is so true through. How many times so I allow myself to get pulled in to power struggles and fits where I eventually lose my cool? More than I'd like to admit. Easier said than done when your 3 children are playing around instead of getting ready for school and you know they'll miss the bus if they don't hurry up yet you are not supposed to nag, warn, threaten, or get angry. I'd have to say I had an easier time following his theories this afternoon. Mornings are so hectic the way it is! Wish me luck, tomorrow is a new day and I'm not backing down :)


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I just don't get it.

I just don't get it. Like I said I've been studying Beth Moore's study on Esther. During the last video session we went through some back history on Mordecai and Haman, 2 influential people in the book. The context was meanness always has a history, so we studied the history behind the rivalry of Haman and Mordecai. It went all the way back to Exodus when the Amelakites attacked the Israelites when the were tired and weary traveling from Egypt to the promised land. God said the he would be at war with the Amalekites from generation to generation (Ex 16:8-16). As time goes by and a couple more incidents occur between the Amalekites and Israelites on which the Amalekites preyed on the weakest, women and children. Finally we get to the boom of Samuel and God tells Saul to blot out the Amalekites, destroy all taking no plunder. Saul disobeys and brings back plunder along with their King, Agag. Why is this important? Well Haman is an Amalekite and a descendant of Agag and Mordecai is a Jew from the tribe of Benjamin and a descendant of Saul. The anger they have toward each other began hundreds of years earlier. I love learning new things. Of course with this information it makes more sense that Haman wanted to destroy the Jews. What's my point you say? My point is this, how on Earth can you say the Bible is just a book? How else do you explain the fact that the same people are mentioned, stories told, information given throughout the 66 books that were not written by the same people! That is one big coincidence if you ask me! Thank you Jesus for giving me your word, your God-breathed word for me, I don't know what I'd do without it.

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Struggling

I am really struggling here and I don't know where I went wrong! I have really tried to be consistent, have routines, have follow through, be creative in consequences, and ultimately loving but somewhere something has failed! I feel like all I do is referee a fight, deal with tattling, give time out, say the say thing over and over and over again. It is always something, it is always something, and it is never small! I fall asleep almost every night utterly exhausted and reeling from the day. Constant talk back, bad attitudes, defiance, disobedience, and lying is finally taking it's toll on me. I am at the end of my rope and I don't know where to turn!! I have tried to have a loving christian home with morals, good examples, and plenty of re-dos. I need the Lord to show me what I am doing wrong and where I need more of his guidance.
Thanks for listening, just a random vent I guess.

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